i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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