When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Randomize
