I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
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