omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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