She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
