College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
