peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
