bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
