he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
