I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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