my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
