he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
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