Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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