turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Randomize
