Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Randomize
