I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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