Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
