I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
