The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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