My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
