Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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