I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
