Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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