I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
