Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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