I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Did I show you my penis last night?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
