wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
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