I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
