I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
