if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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