I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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