Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
