Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.