You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone