Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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