I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
