The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
