His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Randomize
