Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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