you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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