here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
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I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Even my vagina gasped.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
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First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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