Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
