Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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