I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
