don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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