a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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