he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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