Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
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he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
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I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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