Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
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