to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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