ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
