i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
