Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
