just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
