I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
