Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
