I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
