i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
