Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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